Harem
by dark kitsune
Summary: Simmons gets an eye full and cultural differences abound. TF2007 movieverse


Posted this on LJ a while back...figured I'd start filling up my account too. Just a silly little drabble...as is most of the stuff floating around in my head.

Simmons often wondered why Secretary Keller made him the head of the NBE settlement project or as he liked to call it; the Autobot babysitters club

He often wondered why Secretary Keller made him the head of the NBE settlement project or as he liked to call it; the Autobot babysitters club. Apparently experimenting on the kids Camaro earned him a place in seventh level of hell. The very same hell where he was currently overseeing placement of all the equipment the "porta potty green" medic requested.

"Simmons" A large shape loomed in his peripheral. Hn, speak of the devil.

"Hello Ratchet. Miss me already?"

"It's difficult to miss you when you never leave." A massive hand passed over his head, picking up a box of god knows what. "I believe Secretary Keller's intention was for you to leave at the end of the work day like everyone else." The medic looked down his nose as he spoke, the irritation clear in his voice.

"As much as I would like to get out of this oversized robo frat house, I have some things to finish up regarding the new arrivals. Three tin cans in one day makes for some decent overtime, wouldn't you agree?" Never let it be said that he couldn't give as good as he gets.

"We're quite capable of handling things ourselves. Believe it or not we did manage to survive for millions of years before you can along to hold our hands." Ratchet bent down, going optic to eye with the former Sector seven agent. "And those tin cans, as you so eloquently put it, have names and you may want to remember them. Prowl would most likely ignore your flippant remarks but Sideswipe and Sunstreaker are another story."

Touché.

Simmons shrugged the Autobot's remarks off while tossing a heavy three ring binder onto a nearby crate. "Whatever you say doc. I'll just leave these inventory reports for you to finish up since you're so eager to get me out of here. If you need a magnifying glass, check my top desk drawer." With a shit eating grin and a jaunty wave, he took off down the hallway leaving a very irritated mech behind.

Twenty minutes later he was in his car and heading for the tunnel that would lead him to the surface and a robot free remainder of the evening. Almost at the entrance of Autobot city Simmons hit the brakes as the light bulb above his head clicked on. Those oversized can openers were up to something. While he had been on shaky ground with them since the beginning, he'd never been shooed out of the underground city like this before. Deciding that some recon was in order he flipped a bitch and headed back down for a little "observation".

Several minutes and a few mission impossible moves later, he found himself crouched behind a forklift, staring into the ridiculously large common room. If there ever was a moment deserving of a "what the fuck?!" then this would have to be it. Before him was the entire earth bound Autobot army having what appeared to be a giant robot orgy.

Well this should make for an interesting dear diary entry.

The leader, Optimus Prime was surrounded by the other mechs, metal digits and claws tracing his outer armor. The three newest arrivals…what were their names? Sunstriker? No. Sunstreaker, Sideswipe and Prowl were closest to Prime while the others formed a loose circle. Cables snaked through the group and – what the hell…ports (?) were exposed. Simmons breath stilled and his eyes grew wide as blue tendrils of electricity enveloped each robot and metallic sounds of straining gears filled the air. One by one the mechs lit up like Christmas trees and collapsed to the ground, the only one who remained standing was Prime...who then looked directly at him.

In a spectacular moment of self preservation, the aforementioned agent leapt from his hiding place and took off for his car. "Please God…if I'm going to die, don't let that be the last thing I see."

The following day…

"Agent Simmons." Optimus nodded to the slightly cowering human. "If you have a moment?"

"Uh, of course." He could almost hear the funeral dirge over the heavy steps of the Autobot leader as they made their way to Prime's office.

Upon reaching the massive and empty office, Prime sat on the floor and motioned Simmons to approach him. "I wish to speak to you about last night. Perhaps it would help clear up any questions or misunderstandings on your part."

"Well I think I understand it perfectly well. I just never thought I'd live to see robosex." What the hell, if he was going to die then he might as well go down in a blaze of glory.

Optimus cocked his head to the side, the universal robot signal for "looking shit up on the 'net" and then did something very un-Primelike. He laughed. Hard. Simmons meanwhile did his best dead fish impersonation and stood gaping at the massive Cybertronian.

"It seems there is a misunderstanding." Prime chuckled. "We were exchanging information with the newest arrivals; not having robosex as you so eloquently put it."

Simmons wanted to contest it, he really did, but Optimus was already on his feet and making his way towards the supply room. Apparently the conversation was over now that he'd been given the cliff notes version of what actually happened.

Watching the Autobot leader walk away, Simmons rolled his eyes. "You know, I've exchanged information with Banacheck for years and I don't ever remember either one of us wanting to smoke a cigarette afterwards."


End file.
